Five O'Clock Sharp
by Aiches
Summary: .COMPLETE. Characters from Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Discworld, and PotC. A little 5 o'clock bar action after a hard day in Fanfiction.


Ahem. First, to get it over with, NONE of the character in this are mine. But you could probably guess that, couldn't you?

Harry and Snape are JKRowling's; Rincewind and the Librarian go to Terry Pratchett; Cptn Jack is Disney's, I guess (if he isn't, someone please tell me); Legolas and Frodo belong to JRRTolkien. In fact, almost nothing in this is really mine. Maybe the bar, hmmm? To each their own and thus:

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Two men, a boy, an elf, a hobbit, a pirate and an orangutan walked into a bar...

They sit down. They order drinks, they drink the drinks, order another round and repeat.  
At last, the boy looks up from the table and starts to speak, finds his tongue won't work but forces onward anyway.  
"I'lllll... ged her for this. I... I... I... never ASKED for this. 'S unfair. Thiss's... " he shrugs. "Child abuse... er somethin'..."  
The hobbit makes an effort to pat him on the shoulder, finally hitting home after a few attempts. "We know how... _hic_!... yer feel, 'Arry." He sniffs and, still patting Harry's shoulder, leans over to the elf, who is staring into no-where, oblivious. "Don't we, Leg'las?"  
Legolas shakes his head slowly. He is the only one that hasn't touched his drink. "It wasn't the same after the movie. It just wasn't the same. All the fangirls... couldn't get away... so many... _couldn't breathe! Can't see_—!"  
One of the men, the darker, oilier one, rolls his eyes. "There he goes again. Did anyone bring his pills?"  
Setting down his mug, the pirate fishes out a small pouch. "Right here." He tosses them casually across the table. "Hones'ly, mate, I... l-liked you better when you were Will Turner." Legolas catches the pouch and the meds disappear in an instant. Jack adds, "At least you got a ship... for a... while, any-anyway. And a hat. Hat-thingy. Even Rincewind has a hat..."  
Raggedy and worn, the second man clutches his pointy hat off his head. Across the it, faint words decaying from age read: 'Wizzard'.  
"What's wrong w' my hat?" says Rincewind, holding the tattered thing close, like a horrible favorite stuffed toy. "_You have to have the hat_!" he shrieks. "_You have to_—"  
"Easy there, mate. Yer don't have to go elf-boy on us, now. Nothin's wrong with yer hat. At least you have one," Jack adds under his breath, turning again to his drink.  
"Ook."  
Harry leans over. "Wha'd he say? _Hic_!"  
Having fallen from his chair, Frodo's voice blurts out from around near the floor: "He said 'Ook', I think."  
As one, all seven of them sigh.  
Slightly apart from the others, Snape the Potions Master slides down a bit in his chair. "Where," he ponders out loud, "would we be if it weren't for the books?"  
"An movies!" Jack declares. "Can't be forgettin' the movies, now."  
"_Fangirls_!"  
"Hmmm... Miami!" Frodo claims, grinning, now standing and pounding Legolas in the back. "C'mon, man! You gotta breathe sometime..."  
"Austra-_hic_!-lia." From Harry.  
"Oook, ook!"  
Before anyone can ask, Rincewind says: "South America, for him."  
"Caribbean, mate. 'S all good. 'S long as I have my Pearl. How 'bout you, Rince'?" Jack asks.  
Rincewind appears to think about it, and his eyes glaze over. "Mmmm... Wisconsin."  
Four voices say at once: "Wisconsin!"  
"Oook!?"  
"_Can't breathe!?_"  
"What? What's wrong with Wisconsin?"  
The Librarian pats his arm sympathetically. "Ook."  
Rincewind stands up all of a sudden, red in the face from alcohol and anger. "What!? I can be brave when I want to be! There's nothing wrong with WISCONSIN!!"  
"Sit down, mate. You're makin a scene."  
"I can be... _hic_!... fearless. Well, actually, I can't, wossname... but that's not my..._hic_!... fault!" He makes a quick recovery. "It's his faul... fa... ferlt... falut... ralaltst... IT WAS _HIS_ _FAULT_!"  
Frodo sits back down in his chair. "That's right, blame it on the Authors."  
"It's not all the Author's fault," says Snape, motioning to the elf, who is rocking back and forth and muttering under his breath. "I mean, just... _hic_!... look at _him_. Probably wasn't that way when the BOOK came out."  
"_Fangirls... breath, I can't... get out_..."  
"Yup." Jack slams his empty glass down (hitting the table on the second try) and groans. "Movies do that. You leave less up to the imagination."  
"Ook ook OOK!"  
"Yo, bartender, more... _hic_!... peanuts!" Frodo yells over his shoulder. He turns back to the table. "A'nother thing. Even... even if I did, y'know, for 'xample, meet the girl of my dreams, she wouldn't go out with me if I asked! _Hic_!"  
"_Fangirls_!"  
"R-right... e'cept if... _hic!_... they were fangirls. You know why!? ANYBODY?"  
They all nod solemnly to their drinks as Frodo continues. "I mean, I'm scarred for life— no offense, 'Arry..."  
"None taken."  
"But, I don't care what... _hic!_... they say... I am NOT GAY!"  
Everyone raises their glasses.  
"RAH!"  
"Oook!"  
And everyone turns to Captain Jack Sparrow, who has not raised his glass, and is staring silently into space. He snaps back to the present.  
"What? Oh! Hah, I didn't know you were all... um, see, look I got my glass— RAH! Heheh..."  
Silence.  
"Look, I'm not gay! I was _thinking_, alright!"  
"Oook ook?"  
"Yes, I was."  
"Ook..."  
"But I'm not," says Frodo. He sniffs loudly. "I mean, I'm not gay, right? And yet for some reason, in certain...circles... I have had an affair with almost every character in the... thing. In the book thing."  
"Really, I don't... _hic_!... know what you're talking about," Rincewind says, looking at the table. "No one cares about Rincewind, oh no..."  
Harry tries to give him the evil eye. "Oh, really?"  
"Yeah..."  
"Then considererer yerself lucky." He winces as if remembering some particularly painful memory and looks over at Frodo. "Really every character in the book?"  
"You lose count." Frodo shrugs, not wanting to go into it.  
Snape blinks and leans forward. "Even Gimli?"  
Suddenly, Legolas stops and smiles at the group like an idiot, long enough, anyway, to say: "_Yep! Even Gimli_!" before sinking back into his fangirl-phobia.  
There is a moment of silence before the group, as one, shudders.  
"Oh, bloody hell, the... image..." Jack leans back in his chair. "I am so happy I was drunk for that."  
"Here here!" says Harry. He nods toward Snape. "We're in that boat, too. Almost every person in the book. I tell yah what, it's getting old. _Hic_!"  
Snape scowls. "I don't want to talk about it."  
"Wow. Glad it's not me." Rincewind blinks and shakes his head slowly.  
The group sighs and have a moment of silence, which is broken only by quiet mutterings of "_Fangirls_!"  
After it passes, Captain Jack Sparrow gets up and stretches. "Ho-kay, I think I was... _hic_!... paying this time, but who's the driver?"  
The Librarian raises one huge, leathery hand. "Ook."  
Frodo throws him some keys and the orangutan skips off to get the car.  
"For some reason, I kinda feel better," says Harry, getting shakily to his feet.  
"Sure," replies Rincewind. "Two words: Hang-over."  
"'S... _hic_!... one word." 

Two men, a boy, an elf, a hobbit and a pirate walked out of the bar...

...as the unearthly cry of the ever-vigilant echoed woefully across the parking lot...

"_Even_ _Gimli!"_


End file.
